Dieting Cynic Gifts

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'The Werewolf Diet? It's great: you can eat anything you want, but only during the full moon.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

Lite Beer.

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

Health Foods; "When did I ever eat back pain and trigger fingers?"

'Darling - look! I've dropped a gene size already.'

'What you need is some negative growth.'

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

"I was just... uh... looking for the low-fat yogurt."

'The start of the Premiership and the return of Match of the Day - there goes his Aitkins diet....'

Healthy Eating Fast

'Just thinking about New Year's resolutions makes me tired.'

'I'm not eating it, not if it's been genetically modified.'

"I'm looking for a diet that will guarantee my boss will gain the weight I lose.."

'I'm trying a beer diet: lager for breakfast, bock for lunch, and IPA for dinner. So far, I'm losing 2 days per week.'

"My new health plan only allows in network complaining."

"Just Desserts" and "Unjust Desserts"

'Notice: results of new studies: most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you'