Dieting Cynic Pillows

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'The Werewolf Diet? It's great: you can eat anything you want, but only during the full moon.'

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

Lite Beer.

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

"Why don't we skip the falafel bar, Sinbad."

Health Foods; "When did I ever eat back pain and trigger fingers?"

'What you need is some negative growth.'

"I was just... uh... looking for the low-fat yogurt."

'Darling - look! I've dropped a gene size already.'

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

'Not another Doctor Who spin off!?'

Healthy Eating Fast

'The start of the Premiership and the return of Match of the Day - there goes his Aitkins diet....'

"My new health plan only allows in network complaining."

"Just Desserts" and "Unjust Desserts"

"I'm looking for a diet that will guarantee my boss will gain the weight I lose.."

'Just thinking about New Year's resolutions makes me tired.'

'I'm trying a beer diet: lager for breakfast, bock for lunch, and IPA for dinner. So far, I'm losing 2 days per week.'

'I'm not eating it, not if it's been genetically modified.'