Dietary Dilemma Humorist Gifts

'If you don't mnage to have enough sunshine you should eat more of oily fish, black caviare, eggs and butter.'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

Weight Gain Denial

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

"Is it working?"

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'92 elements in the Universe and you always have to chuck the compound NaCl all over your dinner!'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.