Dietary Denier's Giggle Pillows

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

'The Werewolf Diet? It's great: you can eat anything you want, but only during the full moon.'

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

Complex Carbs

Lite Beer.

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

"I don’t care what you read on social media, I cannot prescribe chocolate mini eggs to help with your weight loss!"

"Easy on the carbs, Carl."

Health Foods; "When did I ever eat back pain and trigger fingers?"

"Your compulsive talk about crazy diets, get rich schemes, and mail order drugs -- your pacemaker's been hacked and you're spamming."

Weight Loss Clinic: 100% guaranteed.

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"None of our items are gluten-free, but they are prepared by people who are."