Dietary Denier's Giggle Pillows

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

'The Werewolf Diet? It's great: you can eat anything you want, but only during the full moon.'

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

Complex Carbs

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

"Why don't we skip the falafel bar, Sinbad."

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

Lite Beer.

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

"Easy on the carbs, Carl."

Health Foods; "When did I ever eat back pain and trigger fingers?"

Weight Loss Clinic: 100% guaranteed.

"I don’t care what you read on social media, I cannot prescribe chocolate mini eggs to help with your weight loss!"

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"Your compulsive talk about crazy diets, get rich schemes, and mail order drugs -- your pacemaker's been hacked and you're spamming."

"Well, it's like they say; 230 is the new 180."