Diet Delusion Debunker Pillows

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'The Werewolf Diet? It's great: you can eat anything you want, but only during the full moon.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

Complex Carbs

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

Lite Beer.

"Is it working?"

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Your compulsive talk about crazy diets, get rich schemes, and mail order drugs -- your pacemaker's been hacked and you're spamming."

Weight Loss Clinic: 100% guaranteed.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

"I don’t care what you read on social media, I cannot prescribe chocolate mini eggs to help with your weight loss!"