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All natural, no fat, cholesterol, carb, sodium, fiber, chemical additives, and we spiced it up so you'd never know it was sawdust.

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

All Natural Nothing

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

Periodic table for two. Chez LMN't

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

"....and hold the garlic."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

"Would madam like to sniff the resealable cap?"

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

Long Corkscrew

Fat man on scales.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways … Open Mike Night Presents Sadie Cohen. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my ladle can reach … When feeling hungry for the crunch of crouton and ideal lettuce. I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need ... by cheesy bread and chicken wing. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I eat of thee freely, and then, at four, 'tis goodnight. O Sizzler salad bar, how do I love thee? I'm hungry.

"Ah — excellent catsup."

"He'd like the broiled monkfish, too, but first he's having a quick taste of the gutter."

'I can't see my nuts anymore.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

"This is a big wine. I recommend you order some big food."

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction