Dietary Enthusiast T-Shirts

"My diet must be working. My eggs have gone from Large to Medium."

'I was retaining water, so I cut out the salt. Now I retain gas.'

A book store has a deal offering diet books for 69c per pound

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

All Natural Nothing

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Party time.

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

"We've misjudged the tapas again."

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"I'll be glad when the television is fixed."

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

You're the sizzle in my roast!