Dietary Enthusiast Gifts

"My diet must be working. My eggs have gone from Large to Medium."

'I was retaining water, so I cut out the salt. Now I retain gas.'

A book store has a deal offering diet books for 69c per pound

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

All Natural Nothing

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

Party time.

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

"We've misjudged the tapas again."

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"I'll be glad when the television is fixed."