Diet Resister Gifts

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

Any time is cake o'clock

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

To do before Saturday...

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

Chocs away.

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

"I'm a monster."

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

'You strap it on and it monitors your eating habits -- it's called the 'Fudgebuster.''

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"I think the problem is that you're not eating properly..."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

Obesity Report

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!