Diet Survivor Gifts

'Inside of me a thin person is struggling to get out. I find that person can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cream cheese cake.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

All Natural Nothing

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

"I'm a monster."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'You strap it on and it monitors your eating habits -- it's called the 'Fudgebuster.''

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

Gastroenterology - Pull Finger For Service.