Diet Survivor Pillows

'Inside of me a thin person is struggling to get out. I find that person can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cream cheese cake.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

All Natural Nothing

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

"I'm a monster."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'You strap it on and it monitors your eating habits -- it's called the 'Fudgebuster.''

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet