Diet Hopeful Pillows

'How much have you lost so far?', '$375.00'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

All Natural Nothing

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.