Diet Hopeful Gifts

'How much have you lost so far?', '$375.00'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

All Natural Nothing

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'