Diet Queen Gifts

'Doc says, lose weight, or I nail your piehole shut!.'

"Pregnant? I just thought I went off my diet!"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"Where do we put Desserts?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

All Natural Nothing

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

The candy house, if the tale of Hansel and Gretel would happen today.

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Diet considerations.'

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

"Don't bother gathering carbs for me, I'm on the Paleo diet."

Valleyview diet clinic

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'I'm tired of this bread and water diet.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."