Diet Queen Pillows

'Doc says, lose weight, or I nail your piehole shut!.'

"Pregnant? I just thought I went off my diet!"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"Where do we put Desserts?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

All Natural Nothing

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

The candy house, if the tale of Hansel and Gretel would happen today.

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

"Don't bother gathering carbs for me, I'm on the Paleo diet."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'Diet considerations.'

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

'I'm tired of this bread and water diet.'

Valleyview diet clinic

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'