Dieting Diva Gifts

"Everything I eat goes straight to my ass."

"When I recommended you give him a more varied diet, I didn't just mean all 12 varieties of Fatsnax Crispy Treats."

'Eat in moderation. Drink in moderation. Be merry all you want.'

'The doctor said I need more calcium in my diet, so I'm switching from dark chocolate to milk chocolate.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

'So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?'

'I've decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of my bedroom.'

"I'm starting a new diet today. Let's go out for ice cream to celebrate."

"Don't swallow them. Just spill them on the floor, three times a day, and pick them up one at a time."

'It seems so festive.'

Package advice: "Can only help reduce weight by not actually eating it."

'I'm on two diets at the moment. Just one isn't enough...'

'I warned her that too much dieting could be a danger to her health!'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

'I was only telling him yesterday he should watch his weight'.

Weight Watchers

"How's the new diet working out?"

'I always lose weight in the wrong places.'

'Did you see that? I'm the same weight now as I was when we were at school together!'

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

The following program shows people who have been successful in a weight loss program. Viewer discretion is advised if you are jealous.

Argh! Last week, you shot the cat that way! For goodness sake, start a diet!

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

'No, your teeth are putting on weight!'

'Oh she's certainly on a diet but can't decide whether to have it before or after her normal meals...!'

All you can eat salad bar has lifetime price.

'I don't think it's so much my inability to lose weight as it is my ability to find it.'

'My mother was always dieting...To this day I think of a home-cooked meal as grapefruit and black coffee.'

'I'm sorry, we can't give you a surgically inserted gastric band, as it appears you already have two!'

fat woman passed her handbag to husband before getting weighed.

Broken Scales.

'I'm looking to lose just enough weight so that I no longer get that inner thigh swooshing sound when I walk.'

'Ten thousand comedians out of work and you tell me to eat less!'