Diet Delvers Pillows

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Any time is cake o'clock

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

When I walk as part of my fitness plan I feel a new, great appreciation for all humanity! That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. It's so hot and humid nobody's around today. Magnificent desolation! Do you think you'll stick with your diet? Failure is not an otion. Look! An ice cream truck! On the moon I'd weigh 41 pounds and could eat ice cream all day! Houston we have a problem!

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"Charles didn't like tofu."

Chocs away.

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

"I'm a monster."

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

Woman is shocked at seeing her weight, she doesn't realise that her dog is also on the scales.

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."