Diet Darling Pillows

"Don't eat anything fatty...you're not listening, Fatty...I said, 'Don't eat anything!'"

"That's the diet version. The packaging is so tough, you work up a sweat just opening it."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Charles didn't like tofu."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

Dieting Motivation.

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

Obesity Report

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'Here's a good one, France on 2000 calories a day.'

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

"Wheatgrass is highly effective at neutralizing joy."

Error in low-fat pizza design.