Diet Delver Gifts

Woman is shocked at seeing her weight, she doesn't realise that her dog is also on the scales.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Any time is cake o'clock

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

Dieting Motivation.

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'A xebec and fluyt passed a heptad of shilpit grugrus.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'He's on a high carbohydrate diet,'

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

"I think the problem is that you're not eating properly..."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

Obesity Report

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'