Department Store Manager Gifts

"An impressive resume, General, but remember - department-store security is different from national security."

"Anderson, my boy, if you truly believe that commercialism should be taken out of Christmas, perhaps you ought to consider whether you really belong in the department-store business."

"Yes,I know that Santa is traditionally on the large side. But we'd like ours to be able to get into the store!"

"What do you mean, 'Christmas bonus'? ... You only work here at Christmas!"

'That's it then - I'll take the slinky high-heeled cocktail number in a 5 and the everyday workshoe in a 7...'

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

Two women wearing identical dresses head toward exchange window at department store.

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

Bad for you but to die for

I hate deer! What do you have to repel them? They're awful. I've got fences. Sprays. Decoys. Tree's Tree Nursery. I'll takes these. Anything to get rid of the varmints. Ring him up, Twig. I don't know why you are so down on deer. They've been very good to you! Anti-deer.

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

Never tell the boss "You can count on me" during inventory.

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Store policy is that I need a note from your wife."

"Oh my god -- I can't believe it's real butter!"

'Bread, milk, cereal, sugar, sausage, potatoes, beans, biscuits. Click! So easy, but I do miss the sexy till lady.'

'We have a P-O-P display for our new perfume. Can we move the beef jerky down a smidge?'

'I decided to start buying food in bulk. I hope you're hungry!'

"You can't find the menswear department? Oh, I'm sorry, Sir- I was standing in front of it."

"It's difficult to attract a younger customer when our main demographic is babies."

"I think he said he wants to buy 'just the one'. You'd better fetch the manager"

"That should read $20.00. I'd make the correction, but I don't want to be accused of price-fixing."

SupermarketAwful Market.

'They're both nice - which can you ill afford least?'

Office Supplies: New and improved motivational posters, now with 25% more inspiration.

'A word of advice, the squeaky wheel gets the totally organic, 0 trans-fat, soy-based lubricant.'

'I've drawn up a health and safety policy for the company.'

Take pity on me. I can't give much this year. What is this heresy, son? I didn't get a raise this year, got furloughed this summer, am behind on my cable bill, can't afford proper dates. But it's the holidays. Think of the needy. Pierre in flat-panels has a new baby. Sandy, the mobile device manager, toils so hard for your business. And don't forget Apple. It's got to make its quarter. Computer Villa. Customer service. I shouldn't just think of myself. That's better. I'd like to upgrade all my d

"Bye now... it's always nice to see you and little Tommy!"

Self-Checkout.

Sports Memorabilia: Help wanted-losers need not apply.

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Gents toilet? Ah, got me there...'