Department Store Manager Pillows

"An impressive resume, General, but remember - department-store security is different from national security."

"Anderson, my boy, if you truly believe that commercialism should be taken out of Christmas, perhaps you ought to consider whether you really belong in the department-store business."

"Yes,I know that Santa is traditionally on the large side. But we'd like ours to be able to get into the store!"

"What do you mean, 'Christmas bonus'? ... You only work here at Christmas!"

'That's it then - I'll take the slinky high-heeled cocktail number in a 5 and the everyday workshoe in a 7...'

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

Two women wearing identical dresses head toward exchange window at department store.

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."

Bad for you but to die for

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

"Store policy is that I need a note from your wife."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Oh my god -- I can't believe it's real butter!"

'Bread, milk, cereal, sugar, sausage, potatoes, beans, biscuits. Click! So easy, but I do miss the sexy till lady.'

'We have a P-O-P display for our new perfume. Can we move the beef jerky down a smidge?'

"It's difficult to attract a younger customer when our main demographic is babies."

"You can't find the menswear department? Oh, I'm sorry, Sir- I was standing in front of it."

'I decided to start buying food in bulk. I hope you're hungry!'

"I think he said he wants to buy 'just the one'. You'd better fetch the manager"

"That should read $20.00. I'd make the correction, but I don't want to be accused of price-fixing."

SupermarketAwful Market.

'They're both nice - which can you ill afford least?'

'Gents toilet? Ah, got me there...'

Self-Checkout.

Office Supplies: New and improved motivational posters, now with 25% more inspiration.

'A word of advice, the squeaky wheel gets the totally organic, 0 trans-fat, soy-based lubricant.'

"Bye now... it's always nice to see you and little Tommy!"

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'I've drawn up a health and safety policy for the company.'

Sports Memorabilia: Help wanted-losers need not apply.

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

"Will you only promise the children toys that can be brought at this store?"

Artificial Isle