Dating Critique Reader Gifts

"I've no interest or hobbies, I'm a pretty dull old stick really, the only exciting thing that's happened to me was winning £4 million on the lottery..."

Author Reading Today: 'Typos I missed when correcting proofs.'

'He's not showing off to me as much as he used to...'

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

"Sorry I'm late... I was getting our date approved by my lawyer."

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

"Honestly, Gwen! Sometimes they act as if we were pieces of meat!"

"Rick, here, is totally passive, and you always have to be in control, so I thought you might like each other."

"Stupid superstitious waste of money - what'd you wish for, a new vacuum?"

Young Accountants in Love: 'I didn't reach the same conclusion, Phil. In fact, my preliminary figures indicate we just can't go on meeting like this!'

"I like you, but only in a Facebook thumbs up kind of way."

"Oh, great... they say they all have headaches."

I drink to forget. Is that just for things in the past, or does it cover mistakes you might make later tonight?

'Your father and I would rather you didn't go out tonight,Jessica dear!'

I am sorry you can't have Sonia,she is for display only.'

'I'm looking for a man who enjoys long walks on the beach... so he has something to do while I'm shopping.'

'I'm leaving you, Harold. You're boring, predictable, and your texting borders on pathetic.'

'If you believe Christmas is over-commercialised, press the Sponsored by Cola red button.'

Sue meets another Winner

"Nah, I just don't fancy it anymore."

"Gee, you didn't mention your wart in your personal."

This had better be important. Hillary Clinton has got me thinking, Darlene. For eight years, she's been teasing us about whether she'll run for president. Maybe you've just been teasing me about us all these years. First of all, that's a sexist way to speak about Hillary Clinton. Secondly, I haven't been teasing you, Rudy. I just don't like you like that!!!! So you're saying I've got a chance?

Speed Dating and Speed Dumping

Sterns Father. 'What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?' Daughter. 'She says men haven't altered a bit pa.'

What's the best way to break up with someone without hurting their feelings? Why would you want to do that? The whole point of breaking up with someone is to punish them for their shenanigans, their shortcomings, and their carnal incompetence! Why deny yourself satisfaction?! Every time you bring a tear to the eye of a loser, an angel get her wings.

Frogs - I think he likes you.

"Oh, it's feeding time in Egoville?"

"He looked a lot bigger online."

'I haven't dated that many people. Why do you ask?'

'Bet she's turned on by take charge guys.'

'I remember when sex on the first date was shocking. Now they don't even bother with a date!'

'A house? You must be joking! He doesn't even have his own teeth.'

'I can't believe you actually JOINED the 'Psycho Girlfriend of the Month' Club!'

"That's an unusual, orange jumpsuit!"