Dating Culture Critic Gifts

"Honestly, Gwen! Sometimes they act as if we were pieces of meat!"

'I can't believe you actually JOINED the 'Psycho Girlfriend of the Month' Club!'

"If he asks for p*ssy ut's fine, so long as it really is a metonymy."

'He's not showing off to me as much as he used to...'

'You will never require the services of a dating agency.'

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

"Sorry I'm late... I was getting our date approved by my lawyer."

What's the best way to avoid getting stuck in a serious relationship? Little buddy … Aren't you putting the cart before the horse? You haven't even had a date in … what it it, two years? … Which means I'm due for an extra-clingy relationship any day now. Well ... I suppose that is in keeping with Randy's postulate #498 ... The cling-i-tude of a relationship is directly proportional to the amount of time it takes to get into it. Is there any formula for avoiding that? Maybe if I carry the one?

"I like you, but only in a Facebook thumbs up kind of way."

"Oh, great... they say they all have headaches."

I am sorry you can't have Sonia,she is for display only.'

"Gee, you didn't mention your wart in your personal."

'Someday, all this will be done with prescription drugs.'

"That's it...it's so obvious! Girls go crazy for mindless slugs who only want to party all night long!"

Speed Dating and Speed Dumping

Sue meets another Winner

Frogs - I think he likes you.

Sterns Father. 'What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?' Daughter. 'She says men haven't altered a bit pa.'

"He looked a lot bigger online."

"Oh, it's feeding time in Egoville?"

"Nah, I just don't fancy it anymore."

'I remember when sex on the first date was shocking. Now they don't even bother with a date!'

"I've been watching 'The Crown'! Before that, I thought that 'Edward the Seventh' was a bad dating pattern!"

"That's an unusual, orange jumpsuit!"

"Actually, I was looking for someone with a prehensile mind."

Rat: 'So...your Sewer or mine?'

'This could be another chapter for my book on easy pickups.'

'I'm looking for a new wife - or one in mint condition.'

"Please may I see you again - I find your opinions so easy to trash."

'...Anyway, enough about me. Tell me a little bit about yourself.'

"Ruby, get your tail - feathers in here. . . some loser has sent us his plume pics!"

Another Soft-Porn Dating Show

"I've no interest or hobbies, I'm a pretty dull old stick really, the only exciting thing that's happened to me was winning £4 million on the lottery..."

Gangster personal ad

You called me? Why're you in your lab coat? Big discovery. Since 1768, the Giacomo Theorem has stated the number of chicks a dude can pick up is inversely proportional to his age. But he was wrong. You mean … He forgot to carry the charm.