Daily Life Comedian Gifts

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

Modern Charm

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Rocket charmer.

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

'Hello, security? I'd like to report a giant hairy belly button outside my window.'

'I'm bored.'

Castle with parking lot.

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Infectious Diseases Lab. I don't care how you collected bugs as kids. We don't poke holes in the containers here.

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

'Quit blubbering. This is why I hate taking you shopping.'

"Great, you finally complied with our clean desk policy! So what all were you able to get done today?!"

"My work is to stare into space."

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

"So, how do you like driving for Lyft?"

The Insanity Plea.

My son is a director of communications for a multinational corporation. He doesn't call me and he doesn't write.

Hunting for parking spaces.