Modern Life Comedian Gifts

A vendor with his tongue stuck out in disgust stands next to a food cart selling brussels sprouts.

'Is that a cell phone? What the heck is a cell phone doing in my mobile home?'

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Our Troubled Chowders

"Is there someone have called Frobisher?"

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

Blues for now.

"I'm charging you with texting and driving."

"The doctor wants you to point to where it hurts."

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

'I was texting when my pop spilled on my laptop, which made me drop my iPod. So you see, officer, it wasn't my fault. Blame technology.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"Lemonade App: $1"

"I'm pretty sure there's a Starbucks on the other side of that big rock."

'We're looking for a wifi hotspot.'

"Scan my own items, bag my own food? If I wanted to work here, I'd fill out an application!"

"Meaning of life!!" "Meaning of 'Game of Thrones' series finale"

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"It just doesn't crackle like the one on Netflix."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"Well done, doctor. I've never seen a phone removed from a hand so skillfully before."

"The public's taste in entertainment has certainly changed."

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'