Comedian On Modern Life Gifts

"That'll be $7.88, 3000 calories and 500 grams of fat. Drive through please."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

Showbiz Awards

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

12 O'clock was 'I'm a tractor time.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

Trump pardons

'The circle is complete!'

'Your French dip, sir.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

No-Work Orange

"I got super baked in the shire and accidentally recruited these four little weirdos for the most important mission of all time."

If a bunch of crazy red headed clowns come out that door...Run like you've never ran before!

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

"We're following Carrot Top."

The Rooster Comedian.

"I guess I'm more of a why-wolf."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."