Daily Life Comedian Pillows

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

Modern Charm

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

Rocket charmer.

'Hello, security? I'd like to report a giant hairy belly button outside my window.'

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

'I'm bored.'

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Castle with parking lot.

'Quit blubbering. This is why I hate taking you shopping.'

"Great, you finally complied with our clean desk policy! So what all were you able to get done today?!"

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

"My work is to stare into space."

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

Hunting for parking spaces.

The Insanity Plea.

'This is the toothpaste. I asked you for the Preparation H.'

My son is a director of communications for a multinational corporation. He doesn't call me and he doesn't write.