Daily Life Satirist Pillows

Time spent in a typical day

"I'm always recovering from the previous ten minutes of my existence."

'No, you weren't suffering from hot flashes again, dear. It really was boiling in the dining room and the toilet seats did have frost build up.'

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

Hoodie Hang-out

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

Peter

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"Thank god we're out of the city."

Snowman Driver

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

This is where Brent council sends you

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

Rocket charmer.

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."