Daily Life Humor Lover Pillows

Super Express Lane: One item or less.

'First the alarm didn't go off, then the toast burned, we ran out of hot water, then the car wouldn't start...'

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

"Oooh, I know what I want to be when I grow up: Retired!"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

How it started: How it's going

"I said 'follow,' not stalk your bliss!"

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

"How do you think that makes Gail feel, knowing her only dog is posting naked pictures of herself all over the internet?"

Oldies.

'Has this wall got spellcheck?' 'Dunno...ask it.'

'I'm bored.'

Meat. No, I have no idea what the heck you just shoved in your mouth, I'm giving away toothpicks. Free samples.

Statue Selfie

'Oh yeah? Try to sleep in when your dad is a rooster!'

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

"I need a companion."

"I would like some facebook friends for Christmas."

"And remember, dear, at midnight it turns back into an Uber."

"I have only my selfie to blame."

"Carl has decided that, with the economy being the way it is, he's going to be a stay at home son."

"I love bonfires. Thanks to all the junk mail I get, I have one everyday."

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"How about a quick espresso before school, Toby?"

"At that moment, the evil witch cast a spell on the prince that would force him to do her bidding."

'If you have any problems with the nose job, take two selfies and send them in the morning.'

"Bummer. Let's try the castle down the road."

"I finally memorized my bug number."

Dog dropping slippers out of the window.

"If you want to turn it off, you just pull this chain until you accidentally turn it back on."

"You'd better change your ways soon, young man, because you're skating on pretty thin ice right now."