Daily Life Humor Enthusiast Pillows

'I keep thinking I'm twisting it the right way, and then I find out I'm not, and then it has even more twists the wrong way, but then I find out I just didn't twist it that way enough.'

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

'It takes all day to eat it.'

Internet Shoplifting

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

How it started: How it's going

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

Spam.

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

"Dang it."

Amateur Spam.

Oldies.

'Well you know the old saying... if you can't beat 'em you can always google someone who can.'

'I'm bored.'

'This is him, on the hands free.'

Download Hot Pics: Leda and the Swan.

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

'Hey Dad - you're shaving with my transistor radio!'

"Everything I see looks like a website captcha. I'm either having vision problems, or I'm spending too much time online."

'Mary, that better have been a contact lens you just dropped.'

'I suppose they call it 'Middle age' because that is where you age shows...'

"I've been toiling for months to write the great American tweet."

"My ears are burning - Somebody must be blogging about me."

"Now where did I park my car?"

'Tom, you have always had a great ear for music.'

birthday meets reality

Internet crap.

Life bingo