Daily Life Humor Lover Gifts

Super Express Lane: One item or less.

'First the alarm didn't go off, then the toast burned, we ran out of hot water, then the car wouldn't start...'

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"Oooh, I know what I want to be when I grow up: Retired!"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"I said 'follow,' not stalk your bliss!"

How it started: How it's going

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

Oldies.

"How do you think that makes Gail feel, knowing her only dog is posting naked pictures of herself all over the internet?"

'Has this wall got spellcheck?' 'Dunno...ask it.'

'I'm bored.'

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Statue Selfie

"I have only my selfie to blame."

'Oh yeah? Try to sleep in when your dad is a rooster!'

"Carl has decided that, with the economy being the way it is, he's going to be a stay at home son."

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"How about a quick espresso before school, Toby?"

'If you have any problems with the nose job, take two selfies and send them in the morning.'

"I love bonfires. Thanks to all the junk mail I get, I have one everyday."

"I finally memorized my bug number."

Dog dropping slippers out of the window.

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

"If you want to turn it off, you just pull this chain until you accidentally turn it back on."

'Dear, it's better to light a candle than curse the nation's crumbling electrical grid.'