Daily Life Humorist Gifts

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

'I'm bored.'

"If you want to turn it off, you just pull this chain until you accidentally turn it back on."

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

'Doc, could someone help me with my shoe laces, and my truss...and can't get my zip... undone...'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Peter

"On Monday, they will introduce a new office layout and you'll be near Judy, who isn't good at sharing her charger. . ."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Rocket charmer.

"Now where did I park my car?"

"I don't think you need to worry about being late! After all, it's you who drives the train!"

Castle with parking lot.

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Life bingo

"How about a quick espresso before school, Toby?"

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

Lager drinker and a vegetarian eating together.

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

"Great spot, Al. I didn't know there was anyplace left that permitted cigar smoking naked."

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

Hunting for parking spaces.

"Yeah, there's someone in the bathroom, I'm talking to him right now."

Nathan is a strict vegetatetarian.

"I'm always recovering from the previous ten minutes of my existence."