Daily Life Humorist Gifts

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

'I'm bored.'

"If you want to turn it off, you just pull this chain until you accidentally turn it back on."

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

'Doc, could someone help me with my shoe laces, and my truss...and can't get my zip... undone...'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"On Monday, they will introduce a new office layout and you'll be near Judy, who isn't good at sharing her charger. . ."

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Rocket charmer.

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Castle with parking lot.

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"Now where did I park my car?"

"I don't think you need to worry about being late! After all, it's you who drives the train!"

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Life bingo

"Great spot, Al. I didn't know there was anyplace left that permitted cigar smoking naked."

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

"How about a quick espresso before school, Toby?"

Lager drinker and a vegetarian eating together.

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

My son is a director of communications for a multinational corporation. He doesn't call me and he doesn't write.

Hunting for parking spaces.

Be right back. I left the house wine on the counter.