Everyday Life Humorist Gifts

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

How it started: How it's going

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

Modern Charm

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Rocket charmer.

'I'm bored.'

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

Castle with parking lot.

"Now where did I park my car?"

Life bingo

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"Great spot, Al. I didn't know there was anyplace left that permitted cigar smoking naked."

Lager drinker and a vegetarian eating together.

'I don't know why you use the lid to this thing. It's so much more fun without it!'

"I love bonfires. Thanks to all the junk mail I get, I have one everyday."

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

Dog dropping slippers out of the window.