Everyday Life Humorist Gifts

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

How it started: How it's going

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Modern Charm

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Rocket charmer.

'I'm bored.'

Castle with parking lot.

"Now where did I park my car?"

Meat. No, I have no idea what the heck you just shoved in your mouth, I'm giving away toothpicks. Free samples.

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

Life bingo

'I don't know why you use the lid to this thing. It's so much more fun without it!'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"Great spot, Al. I didn't know there was anyplace left that permitted cigar smoking naked."

Lager drinker and a vegetarian eating together.

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

'I saw the light during my near death experience, but it turned out to be in my refrigerator.'

"I love bonfires. Thanks to all the junk mail I get, I have one everyday."