Cynical Storyteller Gifts

"Perhaps He Was Too Close To The Situation, But Aesop Failed To See Any Goddamned Moral To The Story Of The Goddamned Birds Eating His Goddamned Tomatoes Again . . ."

'Yes is no longer god enough. Can I get an Amen?'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Follow me on Twitter...

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

Famous Oxymorons...

And they lived happily ever after for a few years until the quirks they found so cute in each other when they were dating eventually drove them both insane the end.

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Will Self deprecation

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."