Cynical Job Interviewee Gifts

'I'm not a hard worker but I'm willing to take the blame for whatever you want.'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Yes,I do have a question.. What kind of dental plan do you have?'

"According to your resume, your last three employers are some of the biggest crime families on the eastern seaboard. I don't know what position you've applied for, but welcome to the company."

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.

'No, I've never worked for a veterinarian before, but I'm an active antivivisectionist.'

Virtual interview.

"Have you ever used a plastic straw?"

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."

"I love your enthusiasm but we were actually looking for someone who could do the job."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"Well we are looking for people with a wide range of skills."

"What would I bring to the company? After hearing the salary and benefits...a sense of humor."

"Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?"

Employment Qualifications

'Can you work without supervision?' 'I'd love to TRY!'

Number two pencil, pretending to be a number one, fears that his deception has been uncovered.

Can You Dance?