Nervous Interviewee Gifts

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

I'm a self-made man!

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"I don't know what I'm going to do...my presentation is due on Monday and I haven't even started...I'm not sure I know how to speak."

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"Enough about the forest, why don't you show us more trees?"

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

Your resume says you were a waiter...

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

'Be gentle with me, it's my first novel.'

"Will this job involve multiple choice, true and false, or essay questions?"

"So did you do all your leadership training online?"

'What about the rolls you promised me?'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Yes,I do have a question.. What kind of dental plan do you have?'

"I didn't get the job: apparently, burying your head in the sand is not a good project management strategy..."

"A High-Pain Job? Yes, I believe we have that."

"Can you characterize yourself in five words."

Virtual interview.

"Have you ever used a plastic straw?"

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

"I'm sensing confidence, boldness, and moral sensibility. You're not going to turn out to be a whistleblower, are you?"

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

'I can assure you Mr. Rumplestilkskin, weaving straw into gold is a skill we can certainly use...'

"Of course there are some advantages to working here...we have a Food Bank situated conveniently at the end of the street!"

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.