Cynical Job Interviewee Pillows

'I'm not a hard worker but I'm willing to take the blame for whatever you want.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

'Yes,I do have a question.. What kind of dental plan do you have?'

Virtual interview.

"Have you ever used a plastic straw?"

'Ambitious? You sit there admitting you're a troublemaker!'

'No, I've never worked for a veterinarian before, but I'm an active antivivisectionist.'

"According to your resume, your last three employers are some of the biggest crime families on the eastern seaboard. I don't know what position you've applied for, but welcome to the company."

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

"You cleaned out your desk so efficiently you've been rehired and placed in charge of Housekeeping."

"I love your enthusiasm but we were actually looking for someone who could do the job."

"What would I bring to the company? After hearing the salary and benefits...a sense of humor."

"Well we are looking for people with a wide range of skills."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?"

'Can you work without supervision?' 'I'd love to TRY!'

Number two pencil, pretending to be a number one, fears that his deception has been uncovered.

Employment Qualifications

Can You Dance?

"Any other strengths?"