Cynical Employee Pillows

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

Do Not Resuscitate

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"Nihilistic customer service"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

Wow. A corner office at last

Famous Oxymorons...

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

Targets

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

'Bancroft, it's time to pay the salesmen their bonuses. Would you please stop at the butchers' shop and get a few pounds of raw meat?'

"This position may call for some occasional plumbing."

'Leave us your suggestions here.' (The suggestion box is a shredder)

"Eating the mistakes is a tough job, but somebody has to do it."

"This better not be another one of your crazy pyramid schemes."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"It's time I cleaned out the 'yes' men in my organization- right boys?"

"Bottom line - don't forget to lie."

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

Find the failed CEO who got a 200 million dollar bonus while being fired.

"I've given him your message. If you'll just take a seat, he'll be out in a moment with his hands up."

F.B.I. Financial Fraud Investigation Unit. The accountant passed his lie detector test. Where should I file the result? In "accounts believable."

Man at a desk in Performance Review Dept. has a cannon in the 'OUT' box pointing out the window lights cannon.

'It's saving us a fortune on retirement costs.'

'It's not your work, Hannon - it's your attitude.'

"Sir, are all these compliments and this reminiscing about my time here leading up to my termination?"

"I just can't work out where the f*****g Swear Jar money went."

"What about this: we steal from the rich and give it to political action committees?"

"If any of you guys out there have lost your jobs, need some help and are struggling to cope, call me. I can't do anything, but it makes me feel better about my own shitty life."

"Woodpecker gets an office job."