Customer Service Saga Collector Gifts

plain talk tech support: what the **#@%&** do you want?

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

Do not feed the clerks.

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

'Oh quit griping and be thankful we even got a bonus this year!'

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

"Cable, my foot! Still snow on the TV!"

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

'Of course I care, madam!'

Is there anyone here from 'customer care'? Could you tell them I'll ring back as soon as I've got my new kidney in!

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

"She's asking if it's fresh-squeezed. Should I tell her to f**k off?"