Customer Service Tales Gifts

'I was like working at burger buddies and this guy was mad because his fries were like old and stuff...'

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

"Wait, mister Samson. The manager said he'll give you a full refund and a year's worth of free stylings."

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

If you don't give me a free hot chocolate, you're probably not a patriot. #$%* Fox News.

'As a matter-of-fact I didn't pack my own bags...Well,well, well...Speak of the devil!'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

Do not feed the clerks.

"We only do salads. There's no need to keep warning customers that the plates are cold."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'I can't sleep... Tell me about your day at the office again.'

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

You want tech support. This is mockery and belittlement.

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

"I'd recommend this."

'Of course I care, madam!'

"Will that be for here or to go?"

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."

Is there anyone here from 'customer care'? Could you tell them I'll ring back as soon as I've got my new kidney in!

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

Wal Max - Complaints Department

If you don't see what you want, we don't serve your kind here.