Culinary Conspirators T-Shirts

'I can't believe you cooked this all by yourself...you must have had an accomplice!'

'We don't want your business; we just want the recipe.'

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

Martha Stewart Takes Over The Universe

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

"Eye of Newt, wing of bat, let's instagram it!"

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

'I really love this stuff, but I still have a lot of trouble with sushi.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

'People soup again?'

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"Of course this is a pizza! Man, I've always been a rebel!"

"Sure, pal, whatever you say. Ha ha! The salmon is fresh."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

Billy strip: bed pan.

"Are you going to the paper-shredding after?"

Healthy Witch Digest

"It's not fair that ice cream melts, but broccoli doesn't."

'I baked it especially for you.'

'This restaurant has got zero stars, right? Every single one of them is well deserved.'

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

Guess Where Your Dinner Is?

"You're leaving?" "Yeah, today's kids are so demanding so I've decided to move to a gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, sugar-free neighborhood."