Culinary Conspirator T-Shirts

'Sign this non-disclosure agreement ? I'm going to use a secret recipe.'

"After you read the menu, eat it."

'The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.' 'AND it doesn't show up in the autopsy.'

"It would be cool if we cooked up a couple of these at your place where nobody could see us."

Observe, Prepare, Act

"When you were in the kitchen, we voted for no more spinach or broccoli!"

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

"Eye of Newt, wing of bat, let's instagram it!"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"The chef ran out of the shiitake-infused sweet potato au gratin, so he substituted hash browns."

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

'I really love this stuff, but I still have a lot of trouble with sushi.'

'Before you order, perhaps you'd like to discuss your food issues with our eating therapist.'

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

I mean, do I set the oven at 400'? 450'? How long do I keep them in? Do I turn them halfway through cooking? Oh, if only children came with instructions.

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

Horse meat scandal.

'Thank you for the turkey, thank you for the dressing, and thank you for the squash, which Mother cleverly refers to as pumpkin pie.'

"Sure, pal, whatever you say. Ha ha! The salmon is fresh."

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"