Culinary Conspirators Mugs

'I can't believe you cooked this all by yourself...you must have had an accomplice!'

'We don't want your business; we just want the recipe.'

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

Martha Stewart Takes Over The Universe

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Eye of Newt, wing of bat, let's instagram it!"

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

'I really love this stuff, but I still have a lot of trouble with sushi.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

I mean, do I set the oven at 400'? 450'? How long do I keep them in? Do I turn them halfway through cooking? Oh, if only children came with instructions.

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"Sure, pal, whatever you say. Ha ha! The salmon is fresh."

'People soup again?'

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"Of course this is a pizza! Man, I've always been a rebel!"

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"You're leaving?" "Yeah, today's kids are so demanding so I've decided to move to a gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, sugar-free neighborhood."

Healthy Witch Digest

'This restaurant has got zero stars, right? Every single one of them is well deserved.'

"Are you going to the paper-shredding after?"

"It's not fair that ice cream melts, but broccoli doesn't."

Billy strip: bed pan.