Crime Humor Nut Pillows

'Hmm, tastes like chicken, you say? Funny how you would be familiar with the taste of chicken. Detective Burns, I think we've found our murderer.'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"I said freeze, punk, I didn't mean literally!"

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'Not much cop are you!'

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

The Mafia Goes Green.

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

For the last time, officer, I'm absolutely, positively sure it was number four.

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'Did he say anything before he died?'

"Better idea! Let's obstruct traffic in the guy's neighborhood and make his morning commute difficult!"