Creative Comedian Gifts

Josh's Junk $10

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

Football Chameleon

Canned laughter for sale in Theatrical Supplies shop.

Sock Puppet in Literature

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'

'My philosophy is that the bigger you are, the smaller the desk you need.'

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

Murphy bed...Murphy.

Monet At Open Mic Night

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

This next song is about facing your fears, which I'll be playing on the ukulele.