Creaky House Aficionado Gifts

"Don't you just love the way these old houses creak?"

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'You never compliment me when it's tidy so I figured you wouldn't notice when it's a tip!'

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"Today on Escape to the Country Emily & Oliver are looking for that special little property in the Cotswolds. So what exactly's going to tick all their boxes?"

For sale sign: 'Unique 16th Century cottage. Similar properties wanted.'

'We live in a designer trainer.'

"Not cool washing sheep in the dishwasher people!"

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

'Let's take out a second mortgage and add a pizza garage.'

"Yes, I appreciate that it's a converted fire station. But I still think I'd prefer stairs."

"It's perfectly all right. I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a little boy."

'I'll give him twenty minutes, then jump in and show him how its done.'

Carpet salesman, "There's a bit of tyre damage, but not so anyone would notice."

"I'm running a loose ship."

"When you said you lived in a fishbowl, I just assumed you never got out."

"It's really too much house for us, but Fran and I plan to live in the walk-in closet and rent the rest."

Homes of the font designers

The social isolation of the entomologist...

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. II

"Careful in the bathroom—we just had it reimagined."

'You must excuse us. Things are a bit upside-down at the moment.'

These colours haven't just run. They've sprinted!

Repossessed Properties.

Family living in an allevator

"Mmm... not sure about these new high-rises..."

'For sale'

An Englishman's home is his sand castle.

The Old Woman in the Shoe's summer home.

"To enforce social distancing we erected walls between booths and then we added windows to protect the staff and private bathrooms to keep our facilities sanitary. We kind of kept going from there and our whole staff caught Covid anyway but now we've built some pretty decent affordable housing."

'As you can see, this charming old property has been lovingly restored to its original condition of no electricity, and an outside loo.'

Riverside Homes For Sale

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'I love what you haven't done with this place.'