Creaky House Aficionado T-Shirts

"Don't you just love the way these old houses creak?"

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'You never compliment me when it's tidy so I figured you wouldn't notice when it's a tip!'

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"Today on Escape to the Country Emily & Oliver are looking for that special little property in the Cotswolds. So what exactly's going to tick all their boxes?"

For sale sign: 'Unique 16th Century cottage. Similar properties wanted.'

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

"Not cool washing sheep in the dishwasher people!"

'We live in a designer trainer.'

'Let's take out a second mortgage and add a pizza garage.'

"I'm running a loose ship."

Carpet salesman, "There's a bit of tyre damage, but not so anyone would notice."

'I'll give him twenty minutes, then jump in and show him how its done.'

"It's perfectly all right. I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a little boy."

"Yes, I appreciate that it's a converted fire station. But I still think I'd prefer stairs."

"When you said you lived in a fishbowl, I just assumed you never got out."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. II

The social isolation of the entomologist...

"It's really too much house for us, but Fran and I plan to live in the walk-in closet and rent the rest."

Homes of the font designers

"Careful in the bathroom—we just had it reimagined."

'You must excuse us. Things are a bit upside-down at the moment.'

Repossessed Properties.

These colours haven't just run. They've sprinted!

The Old Woman in the Shoe's summer home.

"Mmm... not sure about these new high-rises..."

Family living in an allevator

An Englishman's home is his sand castle.

'For sale'

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

Riverside Homes For Sale

'That's my loft ladder.'

'As you can see, this charming old property has been lovingly restored to its original condition of no electricity, and an outside loo.'

'I love what you haven't done with this place.'