Crabby Comedian Pillows

"I'll probably hate myself in the morning."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

'Nothing like being your own boss, huh?'

Recycling bottle bank.

'You made a complete fool of yourself at the party last night...I just hope no one knows you were sober.'

Rattlecornsnake

'His Trout Almondine Veal Cordon Blue in mushroom sauce was crudely seasoned.'

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"Good news, sir – your carry-on has been upgraded to business class."

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

Preserved head and mobile phone.

Whale Pattern Balding

"Ooh, Igor — a dead rat! You shouldn’t have!"

Joe was so poor, his dog was a tumbleweed.

"Please ... let me get a new hair dryer!"

'This is the crib phone. You have the wrong extension.'

'So there's a fly in your beer — why begrudge a fellow creature a little happiness?'

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

'I understand the plight of average crustaceans... Because I'm just an average crustacean myself.'

But the brochures says breakfast in bed! Yes, only if you carry your bed down to the dining room!

'That is one absorbent nappy.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

'You can come back as a zombie OR a ghost, Randy, but not both.'

"What can I say? Tough split."

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Complain to a bear

101 uses of a dead cat: toast fork