Crabby Jokester Pillows

'I understand the plight of average crustaceans... Because I'm just an average crustacean myself.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Cleaning the Horse

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"I hope your day is going bad."

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'Tender and Juicy.'

"We need someone who's responsible."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Summer Reading

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

'Someday, you'll be a big star!'

'When I'm in the saddle I'm part of the horse.' - 'Yes, but which part?'

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

'What's this?' - 'Your sealed orders, not to be opened till 7 furlongs.'

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"An olive or a twist?"

'Let me clarify something, Simpkins. . . I didn't say you were going to Mexico. . . I said your job is going to Mexico.'

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

Still Alive

'Why would I want a useless little man hanging around the garden when I've already married one!'

Too-Humble Pie.

"I thought we said no presents!"

'I think I've found your expiration date.'