Crabby Jokester Pillows

'I understand the plight of average crustaceans... Because I'm just an average crustacean myself.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Cleaning the Horse

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"I hope your day is going bad."

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

"We need someone who's responsible."

'What's this?' - 'Your sealed orders, not to be opened till 7 furlongs.'

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

'When I'm in the saddle I'm part of the horse.' - 'Yes, but which part?'

Summer Reading

'Someday, you'll be a big star!'

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"An olive or a twist?"

'Let me clarify something, Simpkins. . . I didn't say you were going to Mexico. . . I said your job is going to Mexico.'

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

Still Alive

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

'Why would I want a useless little man hanging around the garden when I've already married one!'

Too-Humble Pie.

'I think I've found your expiration date.'

"I thought we said no presents!"

Freezing Penguins