Crabby Comedian T-Shirts

"I'll probably hate myself in the morning."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

'Nothing like being your own boss, huh?'

Recycling bottle bank.

'You made a complete fool of yourself at the party last night...I just hope no one knows you were sober.'

Rattlecornsnake

'His Trout Almondine Veal Cordon Blue in mushroom sauce was crudely seasoned.'

"Good news, sir – your carry-on has been upgraded to business class."

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

Actually, I prefer to think of my body as repurposed.

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

Museum. It's great we got this job moving statues here at the museum. CRASH! That was no time to make a joke about a "piece of art."

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

Preserved head and mobile phone.

Whale Pattern Balding

Sensitivity Training For Bulls.

"Ooh, Igor — a dead rat! You shouldn’t have!"

"Please ... let me get a new hair dryer!"

'I understand the plight of average crustaceans... Because I'm just an average crustacean myself.'

"What can I say? Tough split."

But the brochures says breakfast in bed! Yes, only if you carry your bed down to the dining room!

'So there's a fly in your beer — why begrudge a fellow creature a little happiness?'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

Joe was so poor, his dog was a tumbleweed.

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

'That is one absorbent nappy.'

'You can come back as a zombie OR a ghost, Randy, but not both.'

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

'This is the crib phone. You have the wrong extension.'

'We were getting along fine and then she wanted me to get a job.'

101 uses of a dead cat: toast fork